Please note, I'm not talking about salvation. I have, in fact, trusted the Lord with all my heart, and I do not doubt that I am saved and on my way to an eternal paradise. Yes, for my eternal life, I believe with all my heart. For my temporal life here on earth, however, I discovered I was believing with my mind but not truly with my heart. I knew the truth, but I wasn't believing the truth. I knew God cared, but I didn't really let it sink in. I knew He had plans for life and that those plans were for my good, but I didn't really believe it because the evidence around me seemed to prove to the contrary. My head knew. My heart balked.
It's one thing to know something, and quite another to actually believe it. No wonder I was struggling so much to find peace! No wonder I seemed so out of sorts. My head and my heart were literally at odds with one another, and while I was telling myself that I was taking God at His word, the truth was that I wasn't. I know this now because of the fruit of my unbelief. If I truly believed that God was working things for my good, then I wouldn't be so upset and thrown for a loop when things don't work out the way I think they should. I would simply say, "Thank you, Lord, for working things for my good. Even when I don't understand, I know I can trust you." See what I mean? I wanted to believe, but I wasn't really believing.
Today, I feel as if I'm beginning a journey. I'm out to discover what I truly believe and what I only think I believe. I'm taking a step toward faith that I believed I had already taken. By God's strength and with His help, I am surrendering my life and my will to Him to do with as He pleases. Lord, I believe, help thou mine unbelief!